


astray

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Forbidden Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 10:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30037635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "I'm gay" aren't the only three words that can end a friendship.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40
Collections: Anonymous





	astray

"Jaemin-ah. You and Jeno seem very fond of each other, don't you think?"

Jaemin fiddled nervously with his bracelet, his gaze zipping around the room. Hesitantly, he looked up at him. Blinked a few times. But he held the manager's gaze.

The manager leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "That's right, you're best friends. Best friends, nothing more. Agreed, Jaemin?"

Jaemin felt as if the manager had thrown him into a bathtub full of ice cubes that were slowly melting on his overheated skin. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was about to burst through his ribs, and he was having trouble breathing. Fear constricted his throat.

He nodded, and the manager smiled at him.

"That's good because we noticed a few things in your last video." Files fluttered for no apparent reason. The manager demonstrated his authority. That he could tell Jaemin what to do, and Jaemin would follow his orders.

Jaemin was silent, staring out the window, watching a pigeon pecking at something. She was probably about to choke on some plastic. _Pigeon, you're an idiot. Just like me._

He wished he could fly like that pigeon. Just fly away until the world shrunk down to a tiny size. Until the stupid little pigeon got all big and the smart big people got all small.

"Jaemin-ah."

_Stop saying my name._

Jaemin's gaze instantly returned to the manager. Then there was complete silence between them. The man looked at him with a searching gaze. Insulting. That look was familiar to Jaemin. He had just been pushed down the stairs of respect the man had for him. He knew why. His heart ached, for he knew what his crime was. But most likely he was just a victim of fate.

"Jaemin-ah," repeated the manager. Because he was an important person, he scribbled his signature on something. Jaemin was never allowed to sign anything in his own name. That was management's privilege. "Jeno and you. Have you noticed how often you touch each other? We know because we've noticed. Especially you, Jaemin."

Jaemin nodded, wringing his clammy hands. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to concentrate. But the manager's words hit a mental wall. The wall tried to shield him. He probably would have burst into tears if it weren't for the wall. So it was better that he sat there, silent, mute, unable to speak.

The manager pushed up his glasses and stared at him for a long moment. Jaemin knew what he was thinking about. He was probably disgusted with Jaemin. It had to be hard to breathe the same air, he had to be afraid of catching this virus.

At least, that's what his friends had told him back then. After that, their friendship had been over.

Friendship is so fragile. 

Jaemin was about to throw up.

"Okay, that's it. All we ask is that you have to be careful, Jaemin-ah. Is that clear? Keep a low profile. Don't make any decisions that you'll regret later. Your fans adore you, so we want you to stay with us for a long time." A sigh of exhaustion. "I'm sure this phase will pass quickly and you'll be fine. I'm sure you will."

Jaemin stood up and left the room with a nod. As soon as he was out, he rushed to the restroom, yanked open the door, and poured his breakfast and lunch into the toilet bowl.

**********

A cautious knock at the door.

Jaemin put his phone away and raised his eyes. He was lying on his stomach in his bed. His ankles were crossed and his legs were bobbing. But that wasn't because he was happy, no. If he stood still for even a second, the thick, ugly knot in his chest would explode. If he didn't tame the concentrated anger and helplessness by moving.

Jeno entered the room with lightning speed, and the room shrank dramatically. Wanted to crush Jaemin. There wasn't enough room here for him and Jeno. It was a risky situation. Jaemin choked on his own air and smiled as he looked at Jeno.

"Hey, Jaemin," he said.

Jeno's warm voice made Jaemin want to cry. It was his deep, sweet honey voice that Jeno only used when he was talking to Jaemin. It was reserved only for him and became impossibly caring when Jeno was worried as well. And he was.

The narrow crease between his brows told Jaemin something was wrong. Jeno's smile was genuine, but his eyes weren't hidden behind those pretty crescents. For his eyes smiled with a happy heart, and Jeno's heart wasn't happy when Jaemin wasn't well.

Jaemin did not want to speak to Jeno. But even less did he want to push him away and be an ass. Even though he knew this phase would never pass.

As he sat up, he felt hot all over, and Jeno was suddenly beside him, their hands touching casually. Jaemin's skin turned to fire, his arm burning all way up from his finger, from where warm skin brushed against skin.

Jeno fixed his gaze on him. Jaemin turned his head around. They were silent.

Jeno's hand twitched for a brief moment as if he wanted to touch something. But it sank back again, and Jaemin's stomach turned with disappointment. It wasn't just Jaemin's need to touch Jeno. Jeno wanted it too, but for different reasons. The manager hadn't spoken to Jeno.

"You haven't eaten today, Jaem." Jeno smiled slightly and put his hand on his knee. Jaemin's heart twitched with a warm tingle. "And you didn't eat last night either."

"I'm stressed," Jaemin sighed as he slumped down.

"Jaem." Jeno squeezed Jaemin's knee. "You know the manager is a slave driver. But we all swore that no one would be left behind. That we would make sure no one was neglected because of stress and pressure, no matter what anyone else told us." Jeno lifted his fingers and brushed a long blonde strand behind Jaemin's ear. "So tell me when you're out of strength, and I'll take care of both of us." Jaemin's bottom lip trembled as he chuckled softly. He bit down on it, then nodded.

He felt like a complete idiot. Jeno was always in Jaemin's mind, and Jaemin was always in Jeno's mind. And yet they were worlds apart in how they thought about each other. Jeno's stomach didn't clench with explosive heat when he touched Jaemin's knee. When Jeno was sad and needed intimacy, he didn't want Jaemin's lips touching his body.

"Are you hungry, Jeno? I'll make us something to eat." Jeno's hand slipped from his knee as Jaemin stood up. He walked out of the room without waiting for Jeno's response and without looking at him. But Jeno's gaze on his back was painful, as guilt pressed like fingers against his throat.

He heard no words, but Jeno's sad sigh was the answer. What Jaemin was doing right now wasn't right, and he despised himself for his defensive attitude. Jeno wanted to help him, to shoulder some of his burdens when Jaemin's muscles stopped working. It had always been that way. When one of them was out of breath, the other would come up behind him and push him forward. Much like his father did when he ran out of strength as a young boy on a long bike ride.

Jeno, on the other hand, would hopefully understand one day. After his feelings from their glorious success had faded. When Jaemin could talk about it without standing on the edge of the cliff, ready to leap into the unknown.

"I'm gay" aren't the only three words that can end a friendship.

**********

It was just after the Vlive when Jeno grabbed Jaemin by the arm and pulled him into a quiet corner.

Jaemin knew that he was acting strangely. That everything that defined Jaemin was not present in today's video. As if he had completely changed his personality. In fact, he had. He was trying to be someone else. Jeno melted his icy heart by simply entering the room and looking around for Jaemin first, his body naturally moving towards Jaemin because he felt most comfortable by his side. They were magnetically attracted to each other. Because of friendship. And love.

"Jaem, please tell me what's going on. I can't do this anymore," Jeno pleaded, gripping Jaemin's arm tighter. Jeno didn't do it on purpose, and it hurt, but it was a welcome distraction for Jaemin. The pain in his heart eased as his body ached. Jeno's eyes were full of frustration and insecurity. Jaemin began to tremble and the blood drained from his face, his skin turning ashen.

"Jeno, I - ...," he choked on the words. They stuck in his throat as if he'd been forced to swallow a lump of dirt. Desperately, he wanted to take Jeno into his arms. Press his lips to his ear and whisper how sorry he was. Instead, he remained silent, and Jeno stiffened more and more. He probably thought Jaemin was angry with him and didn't want to talk to him.

"Jaemin, if there is anything I have said or done that has upset you, please tell me. I will make it up to you. Anything you want me to do, I will do. I'll drive all the way to the end of town and buy you your favorite pie, and I'll even bake it for you myself if you tell me what's wrong. Please, please." Jeno's voice broke on the last word. He was scared, and Jaemin could see tears in his eyes. Jeno, who was always calm, relaxed, and collected, was on the verge of crying because Jaemin had let himself be overwhelmed by a feeling that was now impaling both of them.

Jaemin had to get out of here. The closer Jeno got to him, the weaker his protective barriers became, the less he could control what he was doing. The tension between them was palpable, their breathing far too loud in his ears, he was hyper-aware of Jeno's fingers on his arm.

Jaemin pushed himself off the wall Jeno had him leaning against and shook his hand off. Jeno looked at him stunned, his eyes grew wide and he could no longer hide how hurt he was.

For the entire Vlive, Jaemin hadn't looked at him for a second. Jaemin had sat as far away from him as possible. Jaemin had talked a lot of nonsense, had responded to Jeno as well, but on a very superficial level. He had laughed, cracked jokes, driven Chenle to despair. But it had all been an act. Jeno was the only person on earth who could sense when he was being honest and when he was using his fake face. The others had probably just thought he was being a bit moody again. That wasn't unusual, Jaemin's character was often volatile.

"Not now, Jeno. Don't you know we have another schedule?", Jaemin said in a restrained tone as he tore his own heart out with those words. But he needed a break. Needed some space. He was drowning in everything he wasn't allowed to do when all he saw all day was Jeno, when all he felt was Jeno when Jeno was the only thing dominating his thoughts and he couldn't focus on anything else. His feelings manipulated him, and what good was it if they were never reciprocated?

All he needed was distance until his heart was cold and love burned down to friendship.

Jeno looked at him, his hand slowly lowering. He was silent. Jaemin wondered if Jeno was even breathing. He wanted to put a hand on Jeno's chest, to feel that his heart was still beating.

Jeno's eyes narrowed, but the pain in them was intense, piercing. Then he stepped past Jaemin, their shoulders touched briefly, and as Jeno's head grazed Jaemin's ear, Jaemin could hear the whispered, " _Okay._ " 

He wished Jeno had kept quiet. But he deserved much more for what he had just done than a simple _okay_. 

A word backed by an avalanche of unspoken feelings that buried them both underneath. It was a question of whether they would be found and dug out in time before they both suffocated at the bottom.

**********

Actually, nothing bad had happened. Nothing in their surroundings had changed, everything was going on as usual. The change came from within. 

It wasn't loud and dramatic. It was slow and insidious, like a poison that slowly eats its way through the organism and that one only notices when it has already done damage. 

You change when you let your problems hold you down. And in doing so, you inevitably change the people around you. It's selfish to keep your problems to yourself because you also hurt your friends, your family. Jaemin knew that. He also knew that one day it would break him. But the time hadn't come yet.

For the rest of the day, they had been silent. Jaemin had felt Jeno's gaze on him when he hadn't finished more than three bites of his lunch. Jeno had caught him when Jaemin had stumbled over the threshold and nearly fallen face-first onto the floor. His legs were rubbery, and not just since yesterday. All week after the talk with their manager, he had been curled up inside. He'd lost his appetite. His mind was desperately searching for a solution. And above all the thinking, he'd neglected himself. Had forgotten that his body had needs that had to be met in order for him to function. Jeno, however, had not. Jeno had always been there. Jeno had always thought of him. Jeno had scolded him in the morning for needing more sleep when Jaemin had shuffled into the kitchen with dark charcoal rings under his eyes and downed his coffee in one go. Jeno had even secretly washed his laundry, which had piled up in his room. 

Jeno was an angel and Jaemin had just become the devil. They should talk to each other. Jaemin had to be honest with him. Jeno wouldn't get angry. Maybe just because Jaemin hadn't opened his mouth earlier. 

But Jaemin needed some more time, especially now after their fight. He was very relieved that Jeno showed him through these small gestures that he was always there for him, even when he was angry and hurt. Jaemin wanted to return the gestures. But it was so, so painful and he had no strength left. He wanted to try and sleep his problems and feelings away. That was all he needed. 

All he needed was Jeno by his side.

**********

The next morning he woke up late. The golden rays of the sun fell over the muscles of his naked back and warmed him. But only on the outside; inside he was terribly cold.

Jaemin didn't want to get up. He knew he had to talk to Jeno today. They had never argued so seriously before, and he had only managed to fall asleep half an hour ago. He had been so disgusted with himself that he had showered three times during the night. Jisung had noticed and grown anxious, and Jaemin had had to find the most comforting words to calm the youngest. That it hit Jisung like that was something he couldn't bear. He was stupid and Jisung was now worried because he wasn't the strong Hyung he needed to be. Jaemin needed to be a good role model. He wanted to be someone who put honesty and respect first. He had thrown those two principles to the wind yesterday when he had coldly dismissed and ignored Jeno. It was now his responsibility to make things right.

He groaned, rolling around in bed and kicking the covers off of him until they were on the floor. Then he buried his face in his pillow until he couldn't breathe anymore and straightened up.

He quickly pulled a white t-shirt over his head, he had only slept in shorts, and by the time his hand reached for the door handle, it was already moving. 

Surprised, he jumped back, and when the door opened, the first thing he saw was Jeno's smiling eyes.

Jaemin held his breath as all the guilt washed over him again. At that moment, his eyes fell on what Jeno was holding in both hands. His heart broke even more.

"I made you breakfast, Jaem," Jeno said softly, his cheeks flushed a little and he looked at him a little sheepishly. 

It was Jaemin's favorite chocolate strawberry pie, and as crooked as it was and as smeared as Jeno's hands were, he had made it himself.

Jaemin raised his hands to his mouth and forgot to breathe. Jeno had gotten up extra early to make him that damn pie he didn't fucking deserve. This was too much.

Suddenly, the smile disappeared from Jeno's face and gave way to deep concern.

"What ... Jaemin, are you crying?" He immediately entered the room, placed the cake on Jaemin's bed, and hugged Jaemin without another word. 

Jaemin's body was shaken by sobs and he cried, messily, ugly. Tears ran hot down his cheeks until they dripped from his chin onto Jeno's shoulder, and Jeno pulled him impossibly closer to his chest until no breath could fit between their bodies.

"Jeno-," Jaemin blurted out between heavy sobs. "Jeno, I'm so sorry, don't be mad at me, please, I'm so sorry." He collapsed in Jeno's arms, his knees gave way, and together they sank to the floor. A moment later Renjun and Jisung stood in the doorway, they no longer understood what was happening, fear and panic reflected on their faces, but they didn't dare come any closer. 

Jeno didn't notice them, he only saw Jaemin. Jaemin's tears. Jaemin's pain. He placed a hand on the back of Jaemin's head and pulled him into the crook of his neck until he felt the tears hot and wet against his skin.

Jeno held Jaemin tightly, just holding him and whispering soothing words in his ear. And Jaemin couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want any of this anymore. 

His hand on Jeno's back curled into his shirt and he lifted his lips until they grazed Jeno's ear. "I'm sorry, Jeno," he breathed out, feeling Jenos' soft hair brush against his cheek as Jeno shook his head.

"It's okay, Jaemin. I've already forgiven you, okay? Isn't the cake proof enough? Do you want me to bake you a second one, or a third?"

Jaemin wanted to laugh. Jaemin wanted to cry even harder. More than anything, he wanted Jeno to finally understand him.

His lips moved ever so slowly. He took a deep breath, a tremor running through his body as he whispered the words so softly that only Jeno could hear.

_"I love you, Jeno. I love you, please forgive me."_


End file.
